Should You Allow Your Ex to Take Your Child on College Visits?
- At September 04, 2019
- By AvivaGittle
- In Legal, Writing Sample
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This article was written for a law firm that specializes in divorce.
Leaving Home for College
College is an exciting yet terrifying time for a teenager. Selecting which colleges to apply to is likely the first major decision they will make as they step closer to independence and adulthood. A student may decide to attend college out-of-state. Even if they select a college nearby, they may live in student housing. For many, this is the first time they have lived away from their parents and the comforts – and familiarity – of home.
For children of divorce, they are leaving two homes. Even if one parent has sole child custody, presumably the child has at least a room setup in the other parent’s home. In addition to the physical home, a student is leaving behind a routine that gives them stability.
Be Their College Guide
Selecting a college can be as difficult for the parents as it is for the child. It is tempting to pressure the child to attend a nearby school or alma mater. This is the child’s chance to spread their wings. It is important that they are given the opportunity to explore their options. As parents, your role is to guide – not dictate. At some point, the child should select at least their top two to three colleges to visit in person.
Who Gets to Go on The College Tour?
One or both parents should accompany the student on these tours. Your experience helps them ask the right questions. You can assist them in their decision-making process by talking through the positives and negatives of each school. Who gets to go with them on these college tours? Hopefully, divorced parents have forged a civil relationship through the years. They should find a way to share the responsibility.
College tours are time-consuming and, depending on where they are located, traveling to them can be expensive. Divorced parents can share the burden by splitting the time and cost of college visits. Each parent provides a unique perspective on the college experience. The tours are also an opportunity to address their child’s fears about leaving home.
A child considering a parent’s alma mater may want to tour with that parent since they offer a personal perspective on the school. The parent may be able to introduce them to faculty and others on campus.
A Real Live College Tour
We can buy nearly everything online. Unlike a pair of shoes, you can’t box a college back up and return it. But like that pair of shoes, a college may look attractive and sound great in the description on their website, but may not be a good fit. Use the internet for preliminary information gathering only.
A virtual tour of a college is no substitute for exploring the institution in person. Human beings physically process what they see around them – the so-called “gut feeling.” It is a combination of past experience and emotion. Dr. Deepak Chopra, a neuroendocrinologist (he specializes in the study of brain chemistry) explains that “Your gut makes the same chemicals that your brain makes when it thinks.” Walking around the campus, meeting with the admissions counselor, and talking to other students provides information that you can’t get through a computer.
The Select Few
It is not necessary to visit every school on your child’s list. Arrange a tour for each of your child’s top three college choices. This way, your child can decide if they like the schools enough to apply for admission.
Hopefully, you and your ex-spouse have agreed to participate in the college tours. Each parent should document the tour for the other parent. Take some pictures and video. Jotting down notes and impressions will give the other parent a sense of what the college is like. Encourage the child to keep a diary of their experience on each tour. Both parents and the child can compare notes later.
No Second Chances
The prospect of a child heading off to college can stir feelings within each parent. Positive memories of their college days and sometimes regrets of opportunities lost. As parents, it’s tempting to relive or “correct” our past through our children. They share your genes, but they are not you. It is a different time, even if they decide to attend the same school that you did. Remember that attending college is about your child’s dreams and aspirations. This is their chance – not your second chance. (Read When A Child Doesn’t Apply To a Parent’s Alma Mater.) Allow them to have their own, unique college experience.
A College Close to Home
Don’t be surprised if your child decides to attend a nearby college. 72% of college students attend institutions in their home state. The lower tuition for residents is a major reason. However, there are a lot of positives to staying close to home, including:
- The campus may be close enough for the child to live at home. (Saving even more money.)
- For children with chronic medical issues, they can continue to see the doctors who are managing their condition.
- The student can continue to attend family events and religious services. This promotes stability in the child’s life. This is particularly important if the parents recently divorced. It takes at least one to two years for a child to adjust.
You and your ex-spouse may have different views on the value of moving away to college or staying close to home. Follow your child’s lead. Your child may feel more comfortable attending a local community college the first two years. This gives them time to gain the confidence to finish college farther away from home.
The Big Decision
Selecting a college is a big decision. Divorced parents should work together to guide their child through the process. College tours are critical to help your child determine which institution is right for them. This is your chance to spend time with your child before they head off into the adult world.
Resources:
https://www.collegetransitions.com/blog/campus-visit/
https://plexuss.com/news/article/going-to-college-close-to-home
https://ink.niche.com/child-doesnt-apply-parents-alma-mater/